2020…where do I even begin? How do I gather all the thoughts in my head to clearly lay out how I am feeling in this post?…. I miss 2019. I miss it so much I could cry. I have cried. I think we’ve all cried. If only I could snap my fingers and go back and stay there. So much hurt, so much exhaustion, so many lives lost. So much dark that’s it’s hard to see the light.
This post is going to be raw, and honestly, you may not agree with everything I say here and you may end up unfollowing me. I know this, but this has been on my heart to get out. I know many people who are still locked down and waiting for normalcy to return to them and I completely respect that and I know others who ignore everything and their lives seemingly stayed the same from the beginning which I do not agree with.
Me? I’m in the middle. I think a lot of people are in the middle like me. I am very aware of the numbers, the statistics, I read studies, and get information from many outlets including doctors and the CDC. I soak up information from multiple perspectives (heyyy enneagram 9-hah) We barely left the house for 3 months this year. My heart is broken for those who have lost loved ones to this virus and there are times I agree that we should do whatever we can to stop even 1 death. At the same time, I see the destruction of the other side, and many times it doesn’t make sense to me. I wish there was more of a middle. 3 young school-age children in my community have committed suicide in the last couple of months because of lack of social interaction. I see life savings wiped out, people treating others inhumanely, hundreds of thousands of businesses closed nationwide, elderly people dying alone, hundreds of thousands of businesses closed, families now homeless. The human spirit is broken and I don’t know if it’s temporary. The wedding industry that I love so much struggling, the restaurants in shambles. I see those in leadership put into place mandates and rules that they turn around and break themselves which is atrociously unfair to everyone especially exhausted healthcare workers and those on the “front lines”. I see children stuck at home for virtual learning knowing that many homes are not safe and that hundreds of thousands of children rely on going to school for their physical safety and wellbeing because their home is not okay, but this year they can’t leave. I wonder how many cases of child abuse haven’t been reported because of this. I wish more people shined a light on this part of it all.
I wish there was more of a middle. I stopped watching the news months ago which I highly recommend. It feels freeing. I took the time to read the Constitution this year too and eerily it seems it is being tested in ways it never has before. Without America being America, the world will be a very different place and it’s concerning to me that more people don’t talk about this. I’ve read so much history as well the past few months -and though I am not an expert by any means and will never pretend to be-time and time again of reading the background of different countries and seeing certain acts of government and the devastating effects and the lack of return to “normal” throughout history-honestly it terrifies me. It sounds dramatic, I know and I hope that’s all it is…just me being dramatic. Then my brain goes back to seeing the hundreds of thousands of deaths from Covid and I get pulled back to doing whatever we can. I’m a roller coaster over here. I think like any normal person I am just searching for an end to all of this. I’ve become a fierce protector of the Constitution (there’s a sentence I never thought I would say-hah) and I think more people need to read it and understand how special it is and see the ways it may be in danger.
If I wasn’t a mom I don’t know if I would feel as fiercely as I do about everything. I became well aware of my mental health and the development of my toddlers this summer. I am thankful to have little children that are minimally affected by everything, but I am a different person now. Now I go full mama bear mode in a second because it terrifies me that Caleb and Caroline may not have a normal childhood if this continues and I will fight for them. This is an honest post so I’ll tell you that my children will never wear a mask when they do not have symptoms of being sick. There is something that feels deeply wrong in my gut about covering my children’s faces. That may mean that we don’t get to do certain things and I am okay with that sacrifice (this may change) at this point in time and I would never put a business in an uncomfortable situation. We have walked out of many places this year.
I pray that this is all temporary, but I fear so much that they will grow up not having birthday parties with all their friends and having in the back of their minds that they might be making their friends sick all the time. My goal this year was to make their lives as normal as possible and I think I succeeded, but I worry that this will all continue. I worry that many more people will be affected by this virus directly and indirectly. I wish there was more of a middle.
Moving on to more positive things about this year- I love being home and this year really did make me love it more. I love our life here in our community surrounded by family. This may sound cliche but my little life with my sweet husband and 2 kiddos is wonderful. I am all for traveling (though I get real homesick) but it’s not something I need to make me happy. So this year didn’t really affect me that way and it made me love home even more. Just give me my house, my community, and my family and I’m a happy girl.
I am thankful that Chris loves his job and wasn’t affected work-wise this year since I was affected greatly and will continue to be. He is such a rock to this family and couldn’t be more grateful for such an incredible partner and Daddy. He has put up with overwhelmed Michelle so much this year and never hesitates to let me have a break.
I am thankful that Chris’ cousin Heather and her family moved into our neighborhood-this has been the biggest blessing to us this year. So many golf cart rides over to see them.
I’ve already mentioned this but living close to family has been incredibly important to me this year. When it felt like there was no one for my kids to play with -the little cousins came to the rescue and it has been such a joy watching them play and bond this year.
I am thankful that this year has opened my eyes and has nudged my curiosity to look into certain things. I’ve learned so much this year about big industries and now can make more informed decisions for my children and how I will raise them. I am a different person than who I was 10 months ago.
I am thankful to my clients who have handled this year with such grace it should be admired. To many a wedding day may seem trivial in these times we’re living, but I know how sad it is to push back the most special day of your life and how many question marks are floating in your heads.
I am thankful for preschool. Our little preschool has done a phenomenal job of catering to the kid’s developmental needs as well as implementing common-sense safety measures. I am thankful for their teachers who put the children first and make their days so normal.
I spoke on IG stories this week on how I will not be doing a word of the year next year. I do however have a focus. I need to focus more on myself in 2021. Seems impossible with a 2 and a 3-year-old, but I need to start taking better care of myself through better eating (hands up if you also used junk food to get through this year) exercising, and making time for myself. I also have a focus on continuing to make our house a home and a happy place for Caleb and Caroline to thrive in. So no new year’s resolutions really, no word of the year, but more of a focus and train of thought going into next year.
Whoever you are reading this, I hope you are safe and healthy. I hope you and your family haven’t been affected too greatly by all of this year. I hope you have a positive outlook going into next year.
Thank you for taking the time to read this long end of year post. I know our opinions may differ on certain points, but at the end of the day, I truly believe we all want the same thing. For people to be safe and healthy and to return to the normalcy that we all know and love.
Wishing you a truly wonderful new year,
Michelle