20 WEEK BABY UPDATE

Well I'm finally sitting down to write our 20 week baby update (actually 21 weeks) I'm halfway there! How is it that time is simultaneously flying and crawling by? Last night we ordered our crib and changing table. It's getting real y'all. Our little one is due July 7th and I naturally want it to be here right now. It's hard not to think of the first pregnancy though. I've learned that miscarriage is a scar that will always be with me. Yes, this pregnancy helps a lot, but i still feel sadness from time to time. We recently had our annual Super Bowl party and I was straightening up before people arrived and opened a box that has the first baby's ultrasounds, some cards from friends, little shoes, and I had forgotten that I had bought him or her a little football hat for them to wear at the party. That baby's due date was January 20th just in time for that fun day. Such a little thing, but I lost it. Why did I have to open that box on Super Bowl Sunday of all days? How could I have forgotten about that little hat?I pulled myself together though and told myself that it's ok to have those moments. I know there will be more. 

My miscarriage has made this pregnancy different than I think it would be. I'm thankful for the sense of calm I've had from the very beginning (for the most part), but I would be lying if I said the first trimester was easy. The fear of the unknown. The borderline panic attack at our first ultrasound that I almost walked out of because I couldn't handle the words "there is no heart beat" again. I know the day our baby is born might beat the day I heard his or her little heart beat for the first time, but right now it's the best day of my life. At 9 weeks I called our doctor because I was sure something was wrong, they had me come in right away and I just sat on the table crying waiting for the doctor to come in. It didn't help that the nurse kept asking me about my previous miscarriage. Really lady?! Sigh. A few minutes later though, yet another wave a relief came over me when we saw that little heart beat for the second time. Our doctor spent a lot of time with us that day and had the ultrasound up for about 20 minutes. We saw the little arms and legs moving for the first time. Amazing. And I may have been overreacting to have made that emergency call to our OBGYN begging them to let me come in, but miscarriage changes you. Each appointment that we go to, I hold my breath for a second waiting for the worst, but here we are half way through and everything is perfect. So it's getting easier. I guess when you know how it feels to be told your baby won't be born the fear of it happening again is just unbearable to think about. And to my friends who have been there multiple times, you are warriors and I am always thinking of you. It's been a one day at a time mindset, a go to bed pregnant wake up pregnant mindset. I'm starting to think about the months ahead though and I was brave enough last night to hit "purchase" on our nursery furniture. 

Our first pregnancy will always be with me and I think it's important to talk about it and be open about that season of our lives. I know I will be writing more blog posts in the future on miscarriage and being apart of the sisterhood that no wants to be in. At the same time though, I don't want this little girl or boy to be overshadowed by what happened in the past. This will be my last blog post that includes both my miscarriage and our new baby. Our baby deserves celebrating and going forward I will keep them separate. Everyday I say thank you to God for giving us this little one and even though I am changed by 2016, it's  time to move on in a way and allow myself to be happy and look to the future with excitement. 

So with that being said, I've received many questions about this pregnancy, so I thought I'd answer a few today!  

Do you know the baby's gender?

The short answer is YES! However we're doing things a little different. Chris wants to be fully surprised when the baby is born. Yes, it's very difficult and I'm hoping we are successful because it is very important to him. I wish I could tell everyone, but you'll have to wait and see.

So is everything going to be gender neutral? 

The obvious question I get once I tell someone that Chris is waiting to find out.

Yes, This means baby showers will be gender neutral, but I have a secret spot for gender specific items I'm collecting (because who could resist) And Chris knows the "super secret spot" and he knows not to go in there. And trust me, he won't peak. I've tried. As far as the nursery goes, the baby will start out in our room and the nook of our bedroom that is now my office will become a temporary nursery. My office is moving downstairs to our front living room. This temporary nursery will be gender neutral (think grays and whites) which will give me something to decorate in the next few months. The main nursery is not getting touched until after the baby is born. I know it might seem crazy and I may be in over my head with a nursery to decorate when I have a newborn, but we'll see how it goes. The real nursery just cannot be gender neutral, I have too many plans for that little room. And truth be told, I'm okay with holding out on that part. 

How are you feeling?

Overall, I feel great! Most days I am enjoying this growing a human thing. The nausea has been with me from about week 6. I'm 21 weeks, so you do the math. Everyday since then I have been nauseous. My appetite has completely gone so the menu of things I eat is very small. And I'm super sensitive to smells. Like really sensitive. I swear, I am enjoying this season though! They say the 2nd trimester you feel amazing...well I'm thinking I may just feel this way until 40 weeks...but on the plus side I've barely gotten a pimple and my hair is doing some miraculous things. Hah. The tiredness comes and goes, but I'm learning to deal with it. (more naps!) And I'm just so thankful for this baby that I remind myself to bite my tongue whenever I feel like complaining. And yep, I'm showing. My baby bump popped out of nowhere week 18. I just woke up one morning and there it was. I've always heard that that's how it happens and yes friends, it's true! Each day that it's been above 60 degrees here I've broken out the maternity maxi dresses. Heaven! I know I will be hating how hot it is in a few months, but I cannot wait to wear maxis all day everyday. 

What about your weddings this year? 

I have a blog post in the works about this very topic, but for now I have been spending the last few months preparing OSDIM for a little down time. I am not taking a maternity leave per se, but I know that the first couple of months I will be less present therefore I want to set up this business to handle things without me for a little while. This means pre-blogging, vacation responders, and giving myself a lot of grace. I thankfully have no events July and August (how did that happen?!) So that makes things easier. My brides are a priority for me and will continue to be so. My Spring weddings have more hands on deck and my Fall weddings have a little bit of proactive-ness built in. Venue walk throughs and design meetings that would happen in the Summer will be done in May and June and come September my little family and I should have a good routine in place when I am designing and at wedding setups. Come Fall, Chris gets to get out of wedding duty since he will be home with our little Mr. or Ms. I know I will have to get really good at juggling a million things, but this business isn't going anywhere and my brides will feel loved on just as much as ever. I have a wonderful support team around me and I've been growing this business to accommodate a growing family since I started it in 2013. I am a firm believer that you can have it all and that's exactly what I plan on doing.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and congratulations. I just cannot wait for July to be here and this little one is so deeply loved already.

Always,

Michelle  

Photos by K Sant Photography 

ANNOUNCING OUR BABY

I'm still mind blown that this is happening. A part of me thinks that this isn't real and that sonogram photo must be taken off of Google images or something. It can't possibly be OUR baby. But friends it is and we are thrilled to be able to announce that baby Schmidt will be arriving early July! I hoped and prayed that 2017 would look differently than 2016 because friends, 2016 was the hardest of my life. To say I'm thankful not only to having a little one growing inside me, but for a healthy pregnancy so far would be an understatement. Losing a baby last year defeated me. I struggled for a long time and if I'm being honest it still hurts. This week is my original due date for our January baby and though having a July due date to look forward to is wonderful, the thought of what this week was suppose to hold stings. 

After our miscarriage it took my body 2 months to get back to "normal" and with the advice of all our doctors we decided to jump into fertility treatments. Being in the world of treatments is draining. Now, I really want to emphasize that what we went through is truly insignificant compared to what others experience. I count my lucky stars for our team of doctors and nurses who played an amazing role in making us parents, but every day I think of the others still in the wait and those who have recently experienced multiple miscarriages. Annmarie Swift posted on her Instagram account a little about her motherhood journey today and mentioned that although an experience may be shorter than others, hurt is hurt. I couldn't agree more. Our failed months killed me. Going to ultrasound after ultrasound, the shots, the pills, having your life revolve around doctor's orders, and timing everything perfectly is such a roller coaster. This is why I think of others still in the wait everyday. It takes over your life, it changes your marriage, and when it doesn't work you have to hold your head high and start again. 

Chris and I went to the Outer Banks the first weekend in October last year one day after another failed month and I was miserable. I walked down to the beach by myself before we left to come home and cried. I am not super religious, but have held on to God's plan during this time and He has helped me more than anything. I begged Him for October to our month. Begged. I prayed and said that I couldn't do it anymore. My life was being overtaken and I needed October to be it. And weirdly, during the whole month both before and after our IUI treatment mid-October I felt calm and positive. We didn't even time our IUI correctly and I still felt like this was it. And it was. 

So here we are about to enter week 16 and with a due date of July 7th. Counting down the days, y'all. 

A huge thank you to Katie for taking these photos of us that I will treasure forever. And thank you for all f the sweet calls, texts, comments, and emails this week. Each one means so much to me. 

 Here is a video of me telling Chris the evening after I found out. It's terrible quality and too dark, but I love it. The book is Wish by Matthew Cordell.

OUR BABY JOURNEY

This post isn't about a recent wedding, a business topic, or a recap of a trip. There are no pretty pictures and no flowers anywhere on this page...but TODAY April 20th, 2016 is here and it's a day that I have been counting down to for quite sometime. However, I'm not sure if I've been counting down in excitement or out of sheer terror. See today is our very first infertility appointment. A big day in this house. I know we are doing the right thing, but I can't help but feel nauseous and anxious and emotional.... This year was supposed to look a lot different. It was supposed to be all about starting our family and I never thought it would be through the help of endocrinologists and reproductive endocrinologists. But I guess one never thinks that will be how it goes. The past year has been setting the scene for how my baby journey will go and when I say scene I mean more of the mountain ahead of us that just gets getting steeper. It hasn't been pretty and it's involved more needles than I care to think about and more tears than I'd like to admit and it has all lead to taking the leap today. 

If you read my Why blog you'll know that I never thought I would get married. The same was for starting a family. After a tumultuous childhood, having children of my own didn't seem like the best idea. I didn't grow up around normalcy. Therefore in my head, I didn't want to put my own children through that and repeat the cycle of my childhood. I learned I was different though. I am not my past and slowly over the last 5 years I've known that I want to be a mother more than anything. I thought what everyone thinks...that I would be the girl who would get off of birth control try for a few months and bam! baby time...2016 was my year and I really hope it still is. Being told you might never be able to get pregnant or hearing the words "it will take years" from doctors is a hard pill to swallow and takes your mind to scary places. It's a lonely thing to think about. Especially when everyone around you is announcing pregnancies, it really makes you think that there is something wrong with you. 

And that's really really tough.

Though it seems like the beginning of our baby journey, to me it's a new chapter. The story began about a year ago...

 Last year around this time something was off, I gained weight like crazy, was so exhausted that I had to nap every afternoon, and had the strangest muscle aches, and the cherry on top was I hadn't ovulated for 4 months. I chalked it up to getting older (hello 30!) and starting a business. Adulting is hard, am I right? Turns out my naps and absence of aunt flow weren't just a normal side effect of a busy life...

 I was referred to an Endocrinologist and was officially diagnosed with PCOS and Hypothyroidism. Ok I thought, let's get this fixed and figured out. Through meds and visiting with my endocrinologist every 3 months we were super hopeful that by March of this year we'd have the all clear to start trying. However, not ovulating or having a monthly cycle at all will throw a wrench in your plans and your heart when it hasn't happened month after month. 

Fast forward to January of this year and month 13 of no ovulation. My doctor ran a few extra tests of my pituitary gland (which is in your brain) Women with PCOS have a tendency to have pituitary issues so it made sense to do a few extra investigations. Once the tests came back it showed my prolactin level was very high. Prolactin is a pregnancy hormone and in a non-pregnant women who wants to get pregnant it cannot be high. It basically kills your chances at getting pregnant. It's the reason 90% of breastfeeding women can't get pregnant right after having a baby. And the most common reason for a high prolactin is a non-cancerous pituitary tumor. An MRI was scheduled shortly after and I almost wanted my doctor to test my prolactin again because I thought for sure it was just a fluke. I couldn't possibly have a growth in my brain, right? Like doesn't she want to double check that it really is that high?! 

Sure enough, the MRI confirmed there was indeed a tumor on my pituitary gland...A little shocking to hear and the words "I have a brain tumor" played in my head for days. But as I tell my friends and family, even if there was nothing there, my prolactin level would still need to come down. So either way, it was an issue. I guess the thing that breaks me down the most is that it seems like once one issue is under control another one pops up. Insert big sigh here.

I started "brain tumor shrinking" medication (very technical) about a month ago and therefore March was out of the question. A reality that broke  my heart a little...So here we are on hold and waiting for what our specialist will say today. Will he give us the green light to start treatments or will the waiting continue?...A girl that hasn't ovulated, with PCOS, hypothyroidism, and a pituitary tumor causing high prolactin levels isn't exactly a great recipe for getting pregnant. I think I may throw up in the office today, I'm so nervous. Chris has promised me milkshakes right after we leave the center, so there's that I guess. The silver lining on what feels like a life altering appointment...

So welcome to the first installment of our baby journey series. A series that I quite honestly hope won't be a long one. You may be wondering why I'm starting a series on such a personal issue in my life. And that's a great question! private details will not be shared because yes, this is a super personal topic. But, I want to blog this journey because I feel like this isn't discussed a lot and I don't like that. I don't like that it's a lonely place to be and I'd like to change that if only in some small way. I want to blog this to let women know that getting help with fertility is ok. It's scary and daunting and evasive, but it's ok. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you and being informed about what is going on with your body is always a good thing. If something feels off, get it checked out! And if you see your doctor before you start trying, get them to test your thyroid hormone levels. They are imperative to early pregnancy and it drives me crazy that more doctors don't test "when nothing seems wrong." 

I also want to document this journey to be informative, to be honest and real with you. I want to encourage those who are also having to put their baby journey on hold or having a hard time getting pregnant. I understand that there are countless women who are going through way worse than me and have had a journey that has lasted years. This is just my little story and part of sharing it is kind of like therapy to me. Something I can look back on with each new chapter.

I'm not sure how often I will blog about this, but I will keep a journal of sorts. I feel like so much of our lives is thinking about the future. So much so that we forget a lot to look at where we are right now...and right now is a beautiful place to be. There may not be a baby in that upstairs nursery for quite sometime, but I'm going to love this season of life. (maybe not the needles, testings, and medications) but I don't want to look back on this time and just see tears and sadness. I want to look back and see that Chris and I took advantage of this "extra" time with just the two of us. We've started a Baby Journey Bucket List to remind us to live in the moment. It's nothing fancy and nothing extreme. It includes things like little weekend getaways (on non-wedding weekends of course) cooking together, and house projects. And something I thought about the other day when I ordered Emily Ley's Baby Book including the infertility pack. (Isn't she the best) is that our baby's story has already begun. And one way or another through a normal pregnancy or otherwise, I'll get to share his or her story of where they began. The tears (so many tears y'all), the hoping, the test results, the little wins, and the speed bumps are a part of their story and documenting it is something that makes my heart happy. 

So we're here, ready and waiting for you little baby and we can't wait to tell you someday all about your story and journey to us...however long that may take. 

Warmly,

Michelle